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DiaKalos
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Name:
Gender: Female
Interests: photography, art, music, history, well written stories, counter factual discussions. I love people watching and finding ways to make them smile. I love to write and try to go beyond words when I do. I love to travel, I can't say that enough.
Expertise: I am a history poli/sci major with and incresing interest in language. I love to travel and try to as much as possible. I dislike being placed in the steep confines of another's box of expectations. I am learning how to refute that.
Message: message meEmail: email me
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AIM:  Greenfroggy37
Member Since:
10/25/2004
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| Saturday started out wonderfully.. Okay beside the whole me running late thing it was starting to work itself out. Then as the day progressed it got worse. By 11am I was attending a memorial for a friend that I had volunteered with. I knew her but I didn't know her like the people who spoke knew her. She left behind a little boy.
Saturday evening chris had his bachalor party. And behaved shamefully. I have never been so hurt or angry. I do not own the tools to function through this.
This morning; Katie lost her battle and Died of complications due to her cancer. The tumor shrank so much that it disloged and it caused so many complications that her 86 lb frame couln't handle it any more. I am not sure how to process this and without Chris I am a bit lost. | | |
| i have started enjoying my long commutes to work. For awhile I resented the cost of gas and the time it took but it has grown on me. It allows my mind to roll over things. to de-construct or to just pray. Grandpa Cordova says that it is a good practice of faith to pray for the other drivers you would like to curse as they cut you off or randomly slam on their brakes. Good or not it is easier to get angry and curse but it does take away from enjoying the morning or dusk. And I hate to admit it but since the hands free law took place it makes driving even better. It is hard keeping up with everything and everyone and so I used to use my commute time to plan, schedule and catch up with old friends. I am no longer do that so much of it now just falls to the wayside and life is more peaceful and a little bit slower.
The wedding is about 5 weeks away. It feels like that I am in landing preparation on a plane. I am putting up my tray table and placing my chair in the up right position and soon we will be cursing together as our feet hit the pavement. So far the dating has been a whirlwind of three-ish years. I know we have both changed a lot along the way. It has been a fun mutually refining process. I have learned about Football, golf, baseball, basketball, musicals, modern art, beer making... I have also started to learn how to plan ahead and to run on time... weird. I am not sure what i brought to the relationship. I would say humor but Chris says that I think I am more funny than I really am. Ah, Okay, I bring travel savvy, a love of youth hostels, the ability to relax and be late, random facts about the history of east asia, and a knowledge of random cooking tools...right... oh and hope.
Speaking of hope...
My cousin Katie's tumors have disappeared from her spine, and her lung. This last round of Chemo even started to significantly shrink her main tumor in her sinuses. It is a miracle. There have been parts of her that have become casualties along the way. One of her eyes is no longer operational. The tumor was pressing on the optic nerve for too long. I am not sure if she can speak yet either. there was/is a tumor that is in her throat that keeps her from speaking or singing. I will post her web address so that if anyone reads this they can check out a website that was set up for her. Any money raised by purchasing downloads of her music will go toward covering medical costs. If all else fails it is interesting to look at the span of pictures and watch the cancer's progression. I can't wait until we start building the photos up to watch the progression of her healing. www.500Kin365.org I hope she will be able to sing again someday. If she can beat this type of cancer anything is possible, I am sure of it! I pray for her doctors and for the researchers. I pray they have insight and discernment. I pray for the hands of the surgeons who can help put her back together. I pray for her partner and their sons. I also pray for her, for her healing and for her hope. I know that I am to pray for God's will but That is something I am not ready to pray for. But I pray that He brings me to that point.
I think we all pray for stronger faiths but my experience has taught me that it is usually brought about by something we don't want or that is uncomfortable and have to embrace it anyway.
I also pray for Joie, I know I can't make her better but I wish I could. So I just keep praying. I have hope.
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| I went to Mariah's Funeral this past weekend. Friday was the rosary service, Saturday morning was the mass immediately followed by the grave side service and gathering at her mothers' home. The image of her smiling at me keeps popping into my mind. That smile always had a mischievous note to it. Everyone at the service kept saying how much pain she was in. I was told that she had been attacked and harmed. They did not say when. It all seems like some sort of TV police show. The denial inside of me keeps telling me that this could not have happened in our family; to one of our loved ones.When I see her in my mind she is still a little girl. She is the little girl who had a tinker bell birthday cake just last july. She was the little girl who still hunted for easter eggs. Who would harm this little girl to the extent that she no longer had the want to live. Is the world that depraved? Everyone who knew her saw her spark, her bubble & her innocence. I cannot seem to wrap my head around the whole thing.
The images that stick out in my mind are her lavender casket and the matching roses that lay across its top. Lavender was her favorite color. I can still see the crosses that they put on top to be blessed by the priest. I can remember the color of her boyfriend's eyes; an uncommon sea foam blue green. They matched the floor of the chapel and the doors of the church.
A death in any form is a loss. Loosing someone to cancer to painful. You slowly watch them melt away and often they go down fighting and sometimes they make it. Loosing someone as a result of violence inflicted by another person is like being punched in the gut. She being so young didn't even allow us to fight along side of her.
I think of the girl's day that we would talk about having but never did.
While having dinner with a friend I was told that I seemed to have lost my spark. I didn't see it then but I feel it now. I feel it in every movement and breath. I pray for her forgiveness and for God's for the thoughts I have toward the men that hurt her. I try and ask God to help me forgive them and that he gives me peace knowing that justice is His and not ours. Those prayers will have to be my mantra until I can find peace. Until He can bring me peace.
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| I lost another family member. This time she was 15 and she took her own life. No matter how many people one seems to loose it does not get any easier. You think of all the things you could have, should have done. I know I should go into my room and unpack. I should put my clothes away and change into my pajamas. I should put everything back into its place. I am consumed, speachless and I would like to roll on the ground kicking and screaming. | | |
| I am taking a moment to write.
My Doc says i am too ambitious. I don't think of myself as overly ambitious. I just want to fight to thrive. At what I am not sure. I just dream of doing a lot in my life time. I want a family someday but there is so much time for being young. maybe I think that youth ends as families begin. I keep telling myself that I have at least 6-7 years before families begin. Well there is that whole marriage thing first, then time then kids. I want to be wise by the time I have Children. I want Children to be a choice that I make when I know that my selfish self is able to give more. More love, more time, more energy. I have more energy now at 26 than I did at 16. I love life more at 26 that at 16 too.
I got in the car today and started pulling out of the parking lot of the grocery store and I had a bit of a flash back of the day I got my license. looking in my rear view mirror I could almost see her; my 16 year old self. my new glasses and the weird way they felt on my face. my hair pulled back in its usual bun thing, minimal makeup besides mascara. It was a strange feeling, but I liked who was staring back at me. I will probably never have the perfect figure or the perfect skin, or the perfect car or life, but I like the life I have and the person I am now. My main flaws are self doubt and honesty. I doubt my strengths all the time and I always second guess myself. Honesty, in that I try to tell the truth as much as possible. In the work world I guess this is not standard protocol and it often back fires on me because I give too much away.
I still miss my aunt desperately and I think of her everyday. Missing her makes me miss Ohio, though I don't see myself ever calling it home again, and that brakes my heart a little now that I am six years out of it. I am missing the ageing of friends and their children. I am missing the ageing of the so many people that helped raise and take care of me. I guess Cincinnati will always just be a touch stone from now on. | | |
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